Emma is still recovering from her vaccinations, so I was granted permission to do today's entry. Since we haven't done much the past few days while Emma has been running a fever, or throwing up, or battling diarrhea, or sleeping restlessly, I decided to do a very personal entry on my thoughts on being a mom. Friends of mine with children have always been very candid with me as to how they feel on any given day. More and more I understand what those days are like. I somehow feel more "bonded" to other mothers now. It's weird. Anyways, here is how things have been for ME for the past 9 1/2 weeks.... (thoughts and comments do not represent Larry's thoughts. Maybe I can get him to do an entry =).)
1. Flat out, I LOVE being a mom. I look at Emma and am SO filled with happiness. I spend a bagillion hours a day with her, but I never get tired of looking at her. She is just amazing.
2. Emma is a pretty great baby, most of the time. Until I figured out the issues with the foods in my diet, Emma had some pretty crazy tummy issues. I didn't realize how fussy that made her until I see how calm she can be now. Poor baby just couldn't tell me what it was upsetting her. So this whole experience has made me feel a TON of emotions.
Good mom because......breastfeeding is the "BEST" thing for your baby
Bad mom because.........something that I am personally eating is upsetting my poor child
Good mom because......I worked SO hard to figure out the whole diet thing and she is better!
Bad mom because.........I sometimes feel so pissed about all of the things I can't eat.
Good mom because......I have persevered through this whole complicated job of being Emma's provider of food.
Bad mom because.........I think about giving up breastfeeding on a daily basis
Yeah, no one really explained to me how challenging breast feeding can really be. Fortunately Emma takes bottles from daddy every night now, so I have a break from having to feed her ALL the time. I sometimes feel that formula would be so much easier.
3) I tear up every time I think about having to take Emma to daycare in September. I feel so blessed to experience every moment with her right now and am very sad that will be changing soon.
4) As much as I love being home with Emma right now, I could not do this forever. Some days I
miss adult human interaction. Don't get me wrong, Emma's cool and all, but it's still pretty lonely sometimes. We've had tons of visitors and I try to go out as much as possible which has been a lifesaver. Larry takes her a lot just to give me a break. It's nice to be able to leave her with him so I can go out by myself for a few hours. I NEED time away from her sometimes. That kind of makes me feel bad. Plus I really miss working. My kids really do mean the world to me.
5) I have gotten pretty frustrated with Emma at times. I've had to be that mom that puts the baby down and walks away for a minute. I am to the point where I am okay to have to hear her cry sometimes. Unfortunately on days like today where I am going on Migraine Day 3, her crying has made my head want to explode and I feel like my patience are really wearing thin.
6) I've definitely had those thoughts on hard days of, "What the heck have I done? My life was so much easier before." And then Emma smiles at me and I remember why I have her. =)
7) Being a wife and a mom is hard. While I have tried to keep a balance, being a mom sure occupies most of me right now. Emma is my first priority and being her mom exhausts me. Staying bonded with Larry is so important because we both agree that we need to maintain a strong marriage to be better parents to Emma. He has been slammed with work and I've been so tired, it's become less frequent that we even eat together at the same time because our dinner time is when Emma refuses to sleep or be set down. I would say 6 until 9ish is her "fussy" time. Sometimes that time of day can be a big pain in the ass. Back to my original point, Larry is an awesome dad. He is great with the baby and helps out with her tremendously. Seeing him as a dad has made me even more proud to be his wife. I can't believe that this October will mark our 10 year anniversary...5 years married. *smile*
8) I don't miss sleep as much as I thought I would. But since Emma has been sleeping longer stretches at night, I am sleeping a bit more now these days. Too bad Emma grunts through the ENTIRE night sometimes, which does not make any stretch of sleep too restful. Trying to get her on more of a schedule now so my life can have SOME predictability.
9) While pregnancy was very kind to my body, I hate how everything fits me right now. Its not so much that I mind carrying around 10 extra pounds, but more that I just hate that everything I own is too tight due to my now wider hips and milk-filled bosom.
10) I can't wait to see what her future holds and to watch Emma grow up. I never long for the day that she is older or doing something more advanced because I want to appreciate each moment. They really do go by quickly.
4 comments:
Maile,
You are such a wonderful "MOM" and Emma will cherish all that you have written about her. I am so very proud of you and never doubted for one minute you wouldn't be the best Mom ever. You have this gift and every child that comes into your life will be enriched and blessed.
Emma,
You might not know this yet, but you are very lucky to have this beautiful, talented and loving person, as your MOM!!!
Love you,
Mom/Mema
You took the words right out of my mouth. Love ya girl. We have to set up a kid playdate and then a separate a mommy playdate soon.
Hi
Having Ian has changed everything in our lives... I have felt like you do so many times, still do now and then. Like you said, just look at him and all doubts are gone. Ronnie is an amazing dad too, I couldn't do it without him and also has put a new light and respect to the whole single mom thing (not all of them, some are too crazy)
Things will improve, and soon you both will get into a routine. It's hard to establish that routine when they live in their own schedule.
It's never easy to hear or see your baby cry and "ignore" it but sometimes that is the best choice for both of you.
You are both doing great :) Emma is very lucky.
love ya
me
maile,
that was a fantastic post! you are an amazingly wonderful mother and emma is soooo very lucky to have you! i have felt the same way you have on so many occasions. and you're right that people don't always tell you everything that you may have wanted to know about in advance. but honestly, some things you have to experience for yourself to truly appreciate. like, you know what it feels like to be in love with your husband, parents, siblings, friends etc. and although people may try to express that all of that is soooo very different from the love you have for your child, i don't think you can ever fully KNOW it until it happens to you. like you said, you can be having the shittiest day where you feel like a horrible mom because you just want to get away from your baby (screaming baby...not so fun!) and all they have to do is smile at you and all of your frustration and bad feelings seem to magically melt away! i feel blessed to be a mommy...even though i sometimes get so caught up in the day to day stuff that i forget for a minute or two.
i love you so much and am sooo happy for you, larry, and emma!
love, khalielah =)
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